Balm of Hurt Minds
by Ellyndia McGovern III
Summary: A little asphodel and insomnia brings Ellyndia too close for comfort to her Potions teacher....


Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recongnize.

Balm of Hurt Minds

The problem didn't start until her 6th year. Perhaps it was the increased pressure to perform- perhaps it was the stress of developing into a mature young woman, perhaps it was a combination of one or more factors.  
Whatever it was, she became an insomniac.  
She was known as a slowsleeper, one of the common forms of insomnia; this was the uncanny ability to not fall asleep within a reasonable amount of time; that is, about 30 minutes. From the second Ellyndia layed her weary head on her pillow, it would take her an the average 4 to 6 hours to finally slip into slumber.  
This was very inconvient, considering that she would wake up for school and then end up dragging herself through classes with the accompying detriments- lowered reflexes, strength, grades, and a sizable decrease in her appearance.  
It was only after Professor Snape mentioned sleeping potions in a passing reference, and she ran across the note in her notes that night when she decided to seek professional help.

"Madam Pomfrey?"  
Ellyndia poked her head into her office, and found her looking over some files.  
"Oh yes, child, You look tired! Haven't getting enough sleep, huh?"  
_I envy her energy._ Ellyndia thought.  
"Yes...In fact, I think there's something wrong. For the past week, I have went to bed at 10 pm and gotten up at 7 am."  
"You should be getting enough sleep then...what's wrong?"  
"Well, I go to bed at 10 pm, but I often don't fall asleep until 4 or 5 am."  
"Have you tried going to bed earlier?"  
"I certainly did- but even though I got a few more hours of sleep, I could not study or do any of my homework, which caused me to get behind in all of my studies."  
Madam Pomfrey's features melded into one of concentration, then she asked, "Have you had anything on your mind lately?"  
Ellyndia racked her brains for something, but unlike others, she led a relatively quiet life. "No, nothing I can think of."  
"Have you tried relaxing before going to bed?'  
"Yes- I tried breathing exersizes, mental pictures- and they haven't helped. Can't you give me a potion or something?"  
"Those are only used under extreme circumstances- for those who have a medical condition-"  
"Madam Pomfrey," she said, tiring of this talk, tiring of this whole life, all she wants to do is sleep. She laid a hand on the table, and it must have been the tone of her voice which caused her to look up with a sort of pity. Ellyndia was more aware of the bags under her eyes then than ever before.  
"I have not slept a full nights sleep for a week now. I drag myself through classes, barely comprehending or even containing the information. It is hard for me to think, to eat; everything is an effort. Do you know how many times I wanted to just fall asleep during this conversation? I cannot function as a normal human being. I am obviously afflicted with something."  
"Still," Madam Pomfrey said thoughtfully, "a week is not enough time to determine an illness-"  
"I can't stand another week of this!" Ellyndia raised her voice, finding an unusual pocket of energy. "I will be _dead_, mentally, in a week if this is allowed to continue. If I can barely walk around and stand on my own now, do you expect me to take the test in Potions I have next week?"  
She looked at the nurse with a sort of longing.  
"Do you expect me to even get to class in a week, Madam Pomfrey?" she whispered to the nurse, who sat there in silence, then pity.  
Ellyndia hung her head down, and she felt the beginning of a tear start to form.  
Madam Pomfrey got up and crossed to Ellyndia, took her in her arms, and hugged her.  
'You poor child," she consolded, and Ellyndia, not used to human contact, didn't make an effort to leave the warm embrace. "So brave, so strong."  
The nurse abruptly pulled away, and Ellyndia stood back up. Madam Pomfrey turned to a shelf behind her desk. Ellyndia now felt she would collapse.  
"Oh, dear, it seems I'm all out of potions. And I ran out of asphodel just yesterday."  
Ellyndia's heart broke.  
"Oh, but don't fret, dear. I can probably get Professor Snape to make some right now."  
Ellyndia jerked her head up-  
"Oh, you don't have to get Professor Snape involved-"  
"Dear, you need some sleep tonight. You can't afford to lose anymore sleep. And besides, Professor Snape owes me a favor."  
Ellyndia felt several things at once; nerves were the dominate thing, but she also didn't want anyone else to know-- especially her Potions teacher, who would be as friendly and sympathetic as a scorpion.  
Madam Pomfrey started pushing Ellyndia toward the door.  
"No, really, I can live for one more night until you make some, I mean, today is Saturday, I don't have school till Monday--"  
"Don't say anything. I'll send word to Professor Snape- the potion itself brews in an hour- he can often have it done in half that time- I'll have him bring it down here when its done."  
With a last gentle shove, Ellyndia was out of the office.  
"Why don't you lay down a bit until it's done? You can use a bed in the wing if you want."  
"But-"  
Too late, the door slammed in her face.  
Ellyndia turned around and faced the beds in the infirmary. How nice it would be just to slip under the covers and sleep...but she couldn't, or rather, wouldn't allow herself to sleep while the sun was shining brightly.  
No, Ellyndia shook her head as she crossed the expanse of the room. She was not going to sleep...she wanted to learn, she needed to keep the mental processes going.  
She opened the doors, slipped out of the room, and headed to his room. If she was going to be the recipiant of a potion, she should at least learn how to make it herself- so she would never have to do this again.

_knock knock_  
"Enter."  
Ellyndia opened the door, and saw her Potions teacher slowly stirring something in a cauldron.  
"What are you doing here?" he demanded of her, the sharpess of his tone almost shocking Ellyndia into lucidity.  
"I wondered if you got word about my...."  
"I certainly did," he said, and Ellyndia could tell a note of inconvience in his voice.  
There was a pause before Ellyndia spoke again.  
"Sir, I figured....the least I could do....is to come and learn how to make a sleeping draught..."  
He turned away from the potion to look into Ellyndia's bleary and sore eyes. Ellyndia thought she saw a bit of astonishment in the dark irises, but she could have been imagining it.  
"Very well," he muttered, as he turned back to the cauldron. She moved foward till she was at the table- she saw many ingredients she knew, only one odd one-  
"What's that?" Ellyndia asked, pointing to a purplish pulp of something.  
"Mashed lilac leaves," he said, as he gave the potion one more stir, then layed aside the stirring rod.  
"This Draught," he started, "is not the most powerful, nor the most effective. The use of millet seed greatly diminishes its potency, but the asphodel-"  
He pointed to a glass bowl, which had a very small amount of powdered brown root-  
"will guarantee its success."  
"I understand," Ellyndia muttered.  
"One starts with water and a simple mixture of horn and the millet, boiling until the horn is slightly discolored. Then- hand me the lilac-"  
Ellyndia reached for the lilac and handed to him, and watched him dump it uncerimonously into the cauldron.  
She was struck in this brief pause of the reality of situation. She was alone -- with Snape -- on a Saturday afternoon -- in his office -- and she felt she was about to pass out from exaustion. She put a weary hand on the table, in an obvious effort to stay up. She had been up for a consecutive 24 hours now, her lids drooped constantly...  
"Apparently, you do not need this potion now, Miss McGovern. Go sit down and wait until I'm done."  
With a mighty rench, she jerked her spine up, removed her hand away from the table, and shook her head. She looked into his eyes, empty and devoid of substance.  
"I'll live. Besides, I want to learn this procedure. What's next?"  
He gave her one look, perhaps filled with skepticism, but continued.  
"Next, a package of herbs is allowed to seep in the solution for a few minutes, while the asphodel is added gradually. Come over here."  
He gestured to his right. She crossed and went to the other side of him. He had shifted over so that she could feel the fumes in her face as she stood next to him.  
"Hold that over the edge of the cauldron and slowly add the asphodel."  
She grabbed the worn purple sachel and the glass bowl with the asphodel.  
He started stirring, and she did what she was told; the closeness of her body to his was uncomfortable, she had never been this physically close to someone before, not even her own parents; her legs were starting to feel weak, shaking with tension; the fumes of the lilac filled her nostrils, drowzing her...  
Ellyndia finished emptying the aphodel, and had barely registered "Take out the sachel," when she felt her legs go- it was sudden and spontanious- she thought she was stronger than that- lilac fumes still wafting in her mind- she closed her eyes and let the sleep finally come....  
But before the impact of the floor, before even the complete sinking into unconsciousness, she felt something grab her thin frame, and force her up.  
Her eyes opened in surprise- Professor Snape had grabbed her before she fell, with two firm holds, one on the left side of her body, on her forearm, the other across the small of her back to the right side. She could feel his arm working as a brace across her back to prevent her from leaning backward. She felt her shoulders brush and almost lay on his chest, and for a second she felt his heartbeat.  
Ellyndia jumped away from him and merely stood at the end of the table, her legs full of strength, her eyes wide with shock and disbelief.  
She had never encouraged others to touch her- even in a friendly manner. She had always been very aware of her body, very aware of any foreign contact which caressed her skin. Even while her peers of her own age often layed on each other's arms, legs, and stomaches in a playful manner, not afraid to touch a shoulder, or to give a back rub, she stayed away, seperate, afraid of that human contact. She would even flinch when a teacher would beckon their students into a classroom with a small touch to the back. Earlier in her life, she believed that other human contact would manage to drain the secrets out of her, so that everyone would find out all of Ellyndia's dirty dark secrets. But now, it was different- she was becoming a woman, and feeling new urges- to be touched in those areas by a loved one- but she fought it, Ellyndia knew not why. Perhaps she felt she could not trust her senses to stop her when such pleasure became a vice. So when Professor Snape grabbed her like that, her breath froze, a chill ran down her spine, and she scrambled to get away.  
But she was surprised because she liked it. She liked the power and warmth while in his arms, if only for a second. It felt as if she could fight any battle, win any war, live forever without a wink of sleep.....if those hands and that arm across the small of her back supported her.  
Ellyndia tried to go on- but now devoid of that strength, she made her way to his wingchair by the fire and sat down.  
Snape had turned around to stir the potion. He then reached for a tumbler to pour Ellyndia some to drink, She took it, a little apprehensively.  
"That's it?" she managed to stifle a yawn. "Its that simple?"  
"This potion is. However, it's effects are very brief, and useful for letting the natural sleep take over."  
Ellyndia looked into the cup, which still smoked gently.  
She pulled herself up from the chair, and made her way to the door-  
"Drink it here, Miss McGovern."  
A wild thought crossed her mind- _This is becoming a romance novel! Next thing I knew he ravages me in his own office-_  
"Don't you want me to sleep in my own bed?"  
"You are in no condition to make it back to your dormatory. Sit down, and drink the potion."  
There was the force of authority in his voice, Ellyndia could tell. She made her way back to the chair, sat down with the greatest relief she'd ever felt. Without another thought, she downed the draught, and was asleep before the cup was lowered.

Continuous doses- just a swig or two- right before she went to sleep helped cure the insomina. It was nice, because she could wake up and operate, and think. She didn't want another week like she suffered to happen again-but....  
She did want to be held again by those arms- arms which belong to the coldest man at Hogwarts- but Ellyndia knew that if, no, when, he found love, whomever that girl was would be very lucky.  
And Ellyndia hoped one day, she would find someone to hold her like Snape did.

THE END

Notes:  
The title is a line from Macbeth, after Macbeth kills Duncan, and he's bemoaning to his wife that he will sleep no more due to his guilty conscience. I thought it appropriate.

The insomnia itself (and the information) is taken from Stephen King's book Insomnia. Though I don't have Ellyndia see auras, I do have her weak under 24 hours of waking, much like Ralph in the book.

The potion scene itself is actually inspired by a similar scene in the second part of R. J. Anderson's trilogy Darkness and Light, a well-written series where Snape falls in love. (found on Fanfiction.net and other sources) In that story though, Snape is definately making a move on the girl, while in my story he's merely acting by duty. I chose to look at a similar incident if the girl reacted the opposite manner.


End file.
